my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
