The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
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