I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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