did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
