I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
