At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
