In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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