I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
