i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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