Dude my mom stole all your condoms
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
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