i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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