Just fell off a train. Bad.
Your mouth is God's brothel.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
