you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Randomize
