Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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