I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
