I think we need to take a brake
What upsets me the most about that is that you spelt it 'brake'
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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