I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
