Will you blow on my dice?
Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
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I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
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