So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
