My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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