You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
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he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
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This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
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