every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
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