at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Randomize
