I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Randomize
