at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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