I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
