Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
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