I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
