I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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