waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
