Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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