I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
the condom got lost in my hair
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
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