Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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