I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
she peed on how many people?
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Randomize
