When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
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