Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
