Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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