Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
