I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Randomize