I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Randomize
