you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
