Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
