I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
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