Define "chronic" masturbator.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
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