You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
Mom said you looked used
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
