can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
I take back everything I said about communal showers
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
Randomize
