why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
23 Theme Park Employees Confess The Biggest Adult Tantrums They’ve Witnessed
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.