Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
worst night to have a conscience
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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