she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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