If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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