Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
