oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
