My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
